The Two Week Wait

Since we started trying to get pregnant, I've had MANY two week waits. Some have been much more painful than others. Some have flashed by. At the start of each new step, the first few two week waits are the worst. The first several months (let's be honest, the first year) of trying naturally, the first IUIs, the first few cycles of IVF. I wish I could say it gets easier because I learn to trust God and deal with it better, but I think it is more that I become numb to the pain. I prepare myself for the disappointment. I'm not hopeful. And that all seems to make the pain easier to handle.

I'm in the midst of a two week wait. I'm doing well with being preoccupied. I'm not consumed by it. Not being full of hormones and just finishing up dozens of appointments helps it not be on the forefront of my mind. With being on all of the meds, symptoms mean nothing. The last time I had a frozen embryo transfer, I had lots of symptoms in the days before my pregnancy test. I also made it to the pregnancy test for the first time without starting. That test was negative. Definitely not pregnant. It was all due to the meds I was on, nothing else.

So I know all of that in advance. But sometimes it doesn't matter. I have some cramping and I'm hopeful. I have a loss of appetite and I'm hopeful. I know it could be meaningless. I don't let myself think about when my due date will be, but as the end of the two week wait approaches, I give in and think it through all the while knowing I shouldn't. As I pack up my classroom this week, I'll heed warnings to lift anything too heavy or exert an unusual amount of energy accomplishing a physical task but that could all be meaningless. I think about how it could be hard to hide a pregnancy in August if this works because people won't have seen me for awhile and then I tell myself if only I'd be so lucky to have that problem. I think about how when I return to school in August, I could know by then that I will never have a biological child or I could still be in the midst of this long, long journey.

I want it to be over. My body hurts. I've avoided seeing my rheumatologist because I know he won't like how swollen my joints are. I now have scissors by my progesterone because it hurts to open it without them. I didn't used to need scissors to open this medicine. I want to be able to work out. I want to feel like I'm moving forward. And so often I feel frozen. I feel like I'm frozen in a permanent state of this two week wait. Like it never ends. But then I don't want it to be over. Over means it didn't work. Over means it's really over and I'm not ready for that yet.

I pray and I pray and I pray. I pray because I know God sees my anxiousness and my hurt. I know He is my dad, comforting me in the most heavenly way. I ask God to answer the desires of my heart and for it to be during THIS two week wait. I tell God that I know I'm weak and that I need Him. I tell myself that I cannot do this on my own. And then I tell myself that again. :) I ask God to prepare my heart if my prayer will not be answered. I tell Him I love him no matter what and that I'm beyond thankful that I know He loves me.

And due to being an introvert and a female, I repeat this whole post each and every day of my two week wait.