Believing and Hoping vs. Protecting and Compartmentalizing

In an earlier post, I shared that I once heard Beth Moore speak and she spoke about believing God can do BIG things and praying for those BIG things. I do believe this is how we're intended to look at God- with a child-like innocence, believing he can do anything. At the start of my IVF journey, I couldn't contain sharing what was going on with my family and closest friends. I was hopeful and needed support along this journey. I prayed A LOT. I kept people updated via text and shared good news throughout the cycle before we started the 2-week wait to find out if it worked.


I still do pray A LOT about what my heart is yearning for, but it is in a different way.


During a cycle of IVF, you're invested physically. You're giving yourself multiple shots a day, taking pills, feeling pregnancy symptoms from the meds including peeing a lot and being bloated. You've seen the doctor about two times a week for three weeks and done (and more!) what many dread doing once a year. You're invested mentally- you're remembering appointments, you're monitoring how you're feeling, you're thinking about how you're eating. You're invested emotionally. This is a big one. You're trying to stay emotionally stable when you're loaded up with hormones, hoping and praying it all works, and continuing to deal with what comes on a daily basis anyway.


And yet this all builds up to be over so quickly- waking up in the morning with cramps and knowing what's coming, one trip to the restroom during a lunch break, one phone call minutes before your principal comes to observe you. And it's all over. Yet no one around you knows you just got the worst news you've received in weeks. People have no idea that you're trying to ignore this horrible news and continue in your task at hand, when all you want to do is sit in a room by yourself and cry.


This would make it seem like you want everyone to know, but that's not true either. One of the stages of grief is denial and this is what I first go through. I have not broken down until I was by myself (usually in my car) after learning that things didn't work. I need to continue in my routine and I need to pretend it doesn't exist. I'm not initially ready to deal with it. I don't want to text all of the people who know and are praying and are waiting. Texting makes me cry. Texting makes me acknowledge it's real. Texting makes me deal with it before I'm ready.


So now I go at it alone. I keep details to myself and protect myself. It makes it easier. I'm still wrestling with if this is healthy. Am I trusting God? Believing that he will make it happen? Is that wrong? Is it okay to put up a wall or should I be more transparent with those around me? I don't know the answers to those questions yet, but I'm working through it.