Escape

Since January, I've escaped spending time with my closest friends on Monday nights. I've been teaching a class as an adjunct professor and this has caused me to not be able to spend my Monday nights with my friends. I say closest friends, but they're so much more than that. They're my family. They've supported me through a lot and I've supported them through a lot, we've gone on vacation with them, there's not many things I wouldn't do for them. They've strengthened my faith. They know my honest, vulnerable thoughts. They mean the world to me and I'm so thankful God has given me their friendships.


But I haven't been sad that I missed Monday nights and that makes me feel guilty. Two years ago, we were a rare group of thirty-year olds that had all waited longer than many to have kids. And then that began to change. I can still remember sitting around a pool on vacation talking with the first friend in our group to get pregnant. Joel and I had already been trying for over a year (with my surgery in the middle). I remember saying that hopefully we wouldn't be far behind, believing we could possibly be pregnant at the same time. And that feels so, so long ago.


Flash forward two years and now there are a handful of babies, multiple couples expecting and there's me. Mondays felt suffocating. Conversations about being a mom, conversations about babies- their milestones, their sleepless nights, and everything that makes them so cute. Babies all around. These babies are just the cutest and I love each of them a lot. I want my friends to talk about what's going on in their lives- exciting, not exciting- doesn't matter. I want to celebrate every exciting piece of news and be there in their hardships. But it's been hard.


The crazy thing about this is that I've continued spending time with all of these people, but in smaller groups. I still see them multiple times a week, know when they're having a rough day, and love when I do spend time with them. But on Mondays nights I know I'm setting myself up for being locked into one room with it all. And that's hard for me to prepare for.


I gave my final exam this past Monday which means tomorrow is the day. I'm excited, but I can also feel that I'm cautious. I'm uncomfortable that I can no longer use my class as a reason to not go. I'm looking forward to studying about the apostles. Joel says I need to think about how I'll feel if I choose to step back from my friendships and then I get pregnant. Will I jump back in and expect my friends to also, even if they felt the sting of me being stand-offish? It makes me think about how high school girls burn their friends when they are whisked away with a boyfriend, yet expect their friends to still be there when they break up.


My answer to my questions is I don't know. I don't know if my friends feel my distance. I don't know if I will continue to keep my distance. I don't know if it's fair to ask my friends to rebound with me when I'm ready, although I think the answer is no. I'm thankful my friends know my shortcomings and know that I'm not perfect. I'm thankful my friends have been supportive and understanding and have allowed me to feel how I want to feel. I want to go tomorrow and feel great. I want to go tomorrow and be willing to be all in. Ultimately, I wish I could erase all of my emotions so I could go and enjoy myself while being a good friend.