Post #1

I've never blogged before. I haven't kept a diary since I was in junior high, but for some reason this seems right. I was encouraged by a sweet college friend to consider writing down my story at some point, but now seems right. I'm hurting, I feel bad to ask my friends to listen to my hurt, my husband's heart hurts to listen to my hurt and he doesn't quite understand so this seems right. It could be therapeutic, right? That's my hope. I also pray that this blog and my story could be a comfort to someone in my shoes and in a similar place.

I am purposefully writing while "in the midst." It seems like most stories we read always wrap up with a nice little bow, a happy ending but that isn't real life. Real life is messy and hard. Real life doesn't make sense. Many people tell me that it will all make sense looking back, but is that the story people really need to hear? I don't think so.

My Story

Joel and I married right out of college and spent those first few years becoming adults together. We would both say we're so thankful those years have passed. I always joke with a friend who had a similar experience that we were so saddened when people would say, "Still in the honeymoon stage, eh? Enjoy these years." We'd think.. SERIOUSLY! This is as good as it is going to get! :) I am so thankful for Joel and our almost ten years of marriage.

I could spell out all of the details for pages, but here's the short story in a paragraph. We've been trying to pregnant since February 2012. I've been off of my medication for Rheumatoid Arthritis since then which has led to me being on steroids since January 2013. My thyroid went extremely hyperthyroid in October 2012 and I had my thyroid removed in December 2012. We've done Chlomid, 3 IUIs, 2 fresh cycles of IVF and one IVF cycle with frozen embryos. In the next few weeks, we will use more frozen embryos for our fourth cycle of IVF.

My body hurts every evening. Exercise helps, but I can't exercise because my joints can't handle it. My thyroid is hard to regulate with all of the fertility meds and steroids I am taking. I've given up running which had been a newer interest. I've become insecure about my weight. I used to grieve watching a 5K race or hearing about someone's latest running achievements. That sadness has lessened. I've grown a few sizes in clothes and that's been frustrating. However, the biggest sadness has been watching many, many people get pregnant- easily, some with some work, some with lots of work. No matter how "hard" someone has worked for it, it still leaves me sad. Every wonderful pregnancy announcement brings me grief. This is such a hard thing to explain. I am thrilled for the pregnant mom. I am happy she will experience bringing a child into this world. I don't wish anything but happiness for her. It's a reminder. It's a reminder of something I want. It could be jealousy, part of it surely is, but I know it's also grief. I grieve again and again for something I have prayed for and something I wait for- something I'm beginning to believe will never happen.

I am a woman of faith. I am so thankful to have parents that raised me in a Christian home. I learned more about compassion from my parents than I will in the rest of my lifetime. I also learned what it means to be a Christ follower and it makes me who I am today. I know God doesn't promise life will be easy. I know God doesn't promise every woman will bear a child. I know God doesn't want us to think this life is what it is even all about, but I also know I want to be a mom. I am not opposed to other paths but I am a faithful disciple that has prayed for pregnancy. I use to be more on the cautious side of praying for "God's will." However, I once heard Beth Moore speak and she urged people to expect BIG things from God. This means we should pray BIG prayers and BELIEVE He will answer. So I do and I have for a long time but my prayer has not been answered. I am "in the midst." Although I am in the midst, I still believe in God. I trust Him. I love Him. When struggling, I'm always reminded of Brennan Manning's description of God putting his arms around me and loving me like my dad, wiping my tears and being my comfort. So I wait.