I read a book called One Thousand Gifts. In the book Ann Voskamp writes of spending a long time recording 1,000 things she's thankful for. I loved how simple her list would become by describing one simple blade of grass or one giggle from her son.
I'm waiting on one thing in my life, but I'm also thankful. I'm thankful for my husband, my family, my husband's family, our financial blessings, our small groups friends, our jobs, our dog Barkley :). The list can go on and on. I know that. I know that my husband and I are both generally healthy. I know that all of our family members have a relationship with Jesus. I know our parents love us, support us and have spared us of family drama. We rallied around my mom when she was diagnosed with cancer and she beat it!
I am thankful. I am thankful God has used me in discipling two high school girls that I have watched grow into disciples themselves. I am thankful Joel is involved in ministry to share the Gospel. I am thankful that God uses me at my workplace and everywhere I go.
I am thankful.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Hebrews 11
Hebrews 11
Faith in Action
11 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for. 3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 4 By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead. 5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.”[a] For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. 7 By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith. 8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9 By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she[b] considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12 And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore. 13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. 17 By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18 even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.”[c] 19 Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death. 20 By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future. 21 By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff. 22 By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones. 23 By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict. 24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel. 29 By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned. 30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days. 31 By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.[d] 32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground. 39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
Several months ago I read Hebrews and this chapter has become one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. Throughout the chapter it says two times that all of these people were commended for their faith, but did not receive what they were promised. Promised?!?! My job on this earth is to be a disciple and to make more disciples, to be Jesus to everyone around me. God did not put me here on Earth to get pregnant, have a good life, get everything I wanted out of life, live the American dream, or anything else. I will continue praying for a healthy pregnancy, but I know God may not answer that prayer. I wish, oh how I wish, that I just knew what the future held so I didn't spend three years trying to accomplish something so many can so easily. Joel and I will be wonderful parents and I am so excited for when He gives us that opportunity.
Dear Moms of Adopted Children
I've seen and read so many blogs about moms who work, moms who don't work, moms who breastfeed, moms who don't breastfeed, etc. I've read pictures posted on social media about what it's like waking up Saturday morning with kids vs. waking up Saturday morning without kids or the one about going to the beach with kids vs. going to the beach without kids. Being able to sleep in is wonderful, but I would trade it in a heartbeat. There are many, many things I'd give up to be a mom (which is good because the sacrifices are insurmountable and I have no idea). I'm not saying it's wrong for a mom to be frustrated, need a support group, or to need some friends for solidarity after a rough day. I do ask that we all keep it in perspective.
This article is from a completely different perspective. One I may know in my future.
This article is from a completely different perspective. One I may know in my future.
Things People Say
I would say I don't get offended easily. I can honestly say no one has said something that has made me angry or said something I've held on to. On my journey I've come to learn that people say things that aren't comforting. It is all meant to be comforting and I know people mean well. Here are some things I would not recommend saying...
- "God has a plan."- Yes he does. I believe He has a plan for Joel and I. We don't know yet what that will be. We know he has a plan. Saying that doesn't teach me something new. Unless you can tell me what that plan is, it's a bad statement to say.
- "It'll happen when you least expect it."- When we are no longer trying, I will go back on my medicine that is used for DNCs. For anyone, if you've been waiting a long time, there isn't a pregnancy that is "unexpected."
- "Just relax. Have fun with it."- You've crossed the line. You're now giving advice about sex. :)
- "He's going to come through. It will happen."- I believe God will give us a family but it may not be a biological child. One of my bigger fears through all of this is that I've torn my body apart when this was not his way for us to grow our family. It might not happen. You don't know that it will happen
Post #1
I've never blogged before. I haven't kept a diary since I was in junior high, but for some reason this seems right. I was encouraged by a sweet college friend to consider writing down my story at some point, but now seems right. I'm hurting, I feel bad to ask my friends to listen to my hurt, my husband's heart hurts to listen to my hurt and he doesn't quite understand so this seems right. It could be therapeutic, right? That's my hope. I also pray that this blog and my story could be a comfort to someone in my shoes and in a similar place.
I am purposefully writing while "in the midst." It seems like most stories we read always wrap up with a nice little bow, a happy ending but that isn't real life. Real life is messy and hard. Real life doesn't make sense. Many people tell me that it will all make sense looking back, but is that the story people really need to hear? I don't think so.
Joel and I married right out of college and spent those first few years becoming adults together. We would both say we're so thankful those years have passed. I always joke with a friend who had a similar experience that we were so saddened when people would say, "Still in the honeymoon stage, eh? Enjoy these years." We'd think.. SERIOUSLY! This is as good as it is going to get! :) I am so thankful for Joel and our almost ten years of marriage.
I could spell out all of the details for pages, but here's the short story in a paragraph. We've been trying to pregnant since February 2012. I've been off of my medication for Rheumatoid Arthritis since then which has led to me being on steroids since January 2013. My thyroid went extremely hyperthyroid in October 2012 and I had my thyroid removed in December 2012. We've done Chlomid, 3 IUIs, 2 fresh cycles of IVF and one IVF cycle with frozen embryos. In the next few weeks, we will use more frozen embryos for our fourth cycle of IVF.
My body hurts every evening. Exercise helps, but I can't exercise because my joints can't handle it. My thyroid is hard to regulate with all of the fertility meds and steroids I am taking. I've given up running which had been a newer interest. I've become insecure about my weight. I used to grieve watching a 5K race or hearing about someone's latest running achievements. That sadness has lessened. I've grown a few sizes in clothes and that's been frustrating. However, the biggest sadness has been watching many, many people get pregnant- easily, some with some work, some with lots of work. No matter how "hard" someone has worked for it, it still leaves me sad. Every wonderful pregnancy announcement brings me grief. This is such a hard thing to explain. I am thrilled for the pregnant mom. I am happy she will experience bringing a child into this world. I don't wish anything but happiness for her. It's a reminder. It's a reminder of something I want. It could be jealousy, part of it surely is, but I know it's also grief. I grieve again and again for something I have prayed for and something I wait for- something I'm beginning to believe will never happen.
I am a woman of faith. I am so thankful to have parents that raised me in a Christian home. I learned more about compassion from my parents than I will in the rest of my lifetime. I also learned what it means to be a Christ follower and it makes me who I am today. I know God doesn't promise life will be easy. I know God doesn't promise every woman will bear a child. I know God doesn't want us to think this life is what it is even all about, but I also know I want to be a mom. I am not opposed to other paths but I am a faithful disciple that has prayed for pregnancy. I use to be more on the cautious side of praying for "God's will." However, I once heard Beth Moore speak and she urged people to expect BIG things from God. This means we should pray BIG prayers and BELIEVE He will answer. So I do and I have for a long time but my prayer has not been answered. I am "in the midst." Although I am in the midst, I still believe in God. I trust Him. I love Him. When struggling, I'm always reminded of Brennan Manning's description of God putting his arms around me and loving me like my dad, wiping my tears and being my comfort. So I wait.
I am purposefully writing while "in the midst." It seems like most stories we read always wrap up with a nice little bow, a happy ending but that isn't real life. Real life is messy and hard. Real life doesn't make sense. Many people tell me that it will all make sense looking back, but is that the story people really need to hear? I don't think so.
My Story
Joel and I married right out of college and spent those first few years becoming adults together. We would both say we're so thankful those years have passed. I always joke with a friend who had a similar experience that we were so saddened when people would say, "Still in the honeymoon stage, eh? Enjoy these years." We'd think.. SERIOUSLY! This is as good as it is going to get! :) I am so thankful for Joel and our almost ten years of marriage.
I could spell out all of the details for pages, but here's the short story in a paragraph. We've been trying to pregnant since February 2012. I've been off of my medication for Rheumatoid Arthritis since then which has led to me being on steroids since January 2013. My thyroid went extremely hyperthyroid in October 2012 and I had my thyroid removed in December 2012. We've done Chlomid, 3 IUIs, 2 fresh cycles of IVF and one IVF cycle with frozen embryos. In the next few weeks, we will use more frozen embryos for our fourth cycle of IVF.
My body hurts every evening. Exercise helps, but I can't exercise because my joints can't handle it. My thyroid is hard to regulate with all of the fertility meds and steroids I am taking. I've given up running which had been a newer interest. I've become insecure about my weight. I used to grieve watching a 5K race or hearing about someone's latest running achievements. That sadness has lessened. I've grown a few sizes in clothes and that's been frustrating. However, the biggest sadness has been watching many, many people get pregnant- easily, some with some work, some with lots of work. No matter how "hard" someone has worked for it, it still leaves me sad. Every wonderful pregnancy announcement brings me grief. This is such a hard thing to explain. I am thrilled for the pregnant mom. I am happy she will experience bringing a child into this world. I don't wish anything but happiness for her. It's a reminder. It's a reminder of something I want. It could be jealousy, part of it surely is, but I know it's also grief. I grieve again and again for something I have prayed for and something I wait for- something I'm beginning to believe will never happen.
I am a woman of faith. I am so thankful to have parents that raised me in a Christian home. I learned more about compassion from my parents than I will in the rest of my lifetime. I also learned what it means to be a Christ follower and it makes me who I am today. I know God doesn't promise life will be easy. I know God doesn't promise every woman will bear a child. I know God doesn't want us to think this life is what it is even all about, but I also know I want to be a mom. I am not opposed to other paths but I am a faithful disciple that has prayed for pregnancy. I use to be more on the cautious side of praying for "God's will." However, I once heard Beth Moore speak and she urged people to expect BIG things from God. This means we should pray BIG prayers and BELIEVE He will answer. So I do and I have for a long time but my prayer has not been answered. I am "in the midst." Although I am in the midst, I still believe in God. I trust Him. I love Him. When struggling, I'm always reminded of Brennan Manning's description of God putting his arms around me and loving me like my dad, wiping my tears and being my comfort. So I wait.
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