Embracing Joy

11 weeks! Almost to the magic number of 12. I've had lots of fun celebrating with family and friends and, in those moments, I'm so excited and happy. We've received a few gifts. Seeing those bibs and toys made it seem so much more real.

But I've also caught myself being very cautious- still protecting myself. I just recently actually put away a couple of maternity clothes given to me. I left it on the dresser with the receipt "just in case." I still catch myself sharing something exciting with a friend and then quickly adding "assuming everything continues as-is." I find myself just not wanting to talk lots of twin details out of fear it won't actually happen. I know I should use the summer to start clearing out their bedroom, but I don't out of worry that it will be for nothing.

A good friend gave me some invaluable advice the other day. She kindly told me that nothing would be gained from walking through my pregnancy waiting for the next appointment to see those hearts beating again, waiting for "the other shoe to drop." This will most likely be my only pregnancy and she reminded me to enjoy it, embrace it, love every minute of it. And boy did I need to hear that. Why am I not embracing it? I know the answer- out of fear. I don't want to embrace it out of fear that it will be ripped away from me. Is that fair to God? Is that being faithful to him?

A sweet friend sent this to me and said it reminded her of me. Luke 1:45 is about Mary after telling Elizabeth that she is pregnant with Jesus. While obviously extremely undeserving of any comparison, it also made me feel guilty. Have I believed that He would fulfill His promises? And I'm not exactly sure what those promises would be. I know this sweet friend was simply relating my faith along this whole journey which meant a lot but, as I've said throughout the blog, I don't believe that God promised that I'll be a mom, as much as He knows my yearning for it. My family and friends have been so kind in saying that I've been strong and my faith hasn't wavered, but I'm not sure I feel the same way. I don't feel I've had the joy regardless of circumstances as it says I should in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." I know I've let worry overcome me despite what it says in Philippians 4:6. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." But I also know that God loves us despite our shortcomings and this includes my wavering faith, my worry, everything that makes me my fallen self each and every day and man, does that make me thankful.

So... I'm working on embracing joy. Joy that I have two beautiful babies growing inside of me. Joy that we will have two beautiful babies here in 2016. Joy that He created two babies that I will have the honor and privilege of raising to know Him and how much He loves them. And for all of that, I am so thankful.